Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you might become more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
